How to Share Your Desires with Your Lover

Very few of us were raised talking comfortably about sex.

Yet being able to comfortably and clearly talk about sex is one of the keys to satisfaction in a long-term partnership.

Unfortunately, when couples usually talk about sex, they kind of “vague out." They have indirect, imprecise, and inconclusive conversations. They are usually in a hurry to end the conversation instead of playfully sharing intimate details that bring them closer together.

It’s the difference between saying, “Everything’s fine in the bedroom, honey.”


“You know what I love? I love it when you stroke my breasts for a long time like you did last night.”

One statement shuts down the conversation, while the other statement opens up opportunities for greater intimacy.

It's tricky because there is no other area of a couple’s life that offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than their sexual relationship.

On the other hand, the less clear you are about what you want, the less likely you are to get it.

So here’s the solution:

Learn to talk about sex in a way that lets each partner feel safe.

When you are able to do this, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Not only will new opportunities for quality sexual interaction emerge, but research cited in the 7 principles of Making Marriage Work states that women have more orgasms when they are able to talk comfortably about sex with their partner.

So give yourselves permission to talk about sex.

Here are some simple and easy ground rules to help you successfully broach the topic:

4 Guidelines for Talking About Sex


1. Focus on the positive: This is a vulnerable topic. Everyone wants to be a good lover and most people do not respond favorably to criticism in this area. You are having a conversation about how to make a good thing better. Instead of saying “You never do _______," say “I love it when we ________.” Try not to say “Don’t touch me there." Instead say, “It feels really good when you touch me here.”

2. Be gentle and patient: It helps to gradually open up these conversations, especially if you are not used to speaking about sex freely. To start, try the question prompts available in the article "The Top 4 Skills for Epic Lovers."

3. Don’t take it personally: What turns your partner on or off is not about you. The goal is just to explore what works. Think about the perspective of a chef in a restaurant - what is your patron in the mood for? What is he or she hungry for?

4. Lastly, compromise. It’s natural to not have the same appetite for the same thing at the same time. That said, there are ways to compromise differences like pros. I’ll share more on this in a future post.

The important thing to keep in mind here is to make your partner feel appreciated, You are creating a safe erotic space for playful interaction. Opening up the conversation in a thoughtful and gentle way will make your partner feel comfortable enough to share their desires with you as well. 

Following these simple guidelines are clutch to building your relationship intelligence skills together, while also opening up new avenues for delight in your partnership.

Couples who make passion a priority in their life are happier, healthier, look younger, and live longer. Sounds pretty good, right?

I specialize in helping couples develop the core skills for passionate lifelong lovemaking.

Reach out for a free consultation!

Name *